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2019 (source: The Vernon Morning Star)

I’m not really interested in looking back right now. After spending much of the year with Saturn hovering over my natal sun, I am thrilled to see 2019 come to an end. A couple of days ago, I was out for coffee with my astrologer friend. I told her that having Saturn conjunct my sun wasn’t depressing (an interpretation of the transit offered by many astrologers), but rather passionless. I had a difficult time getting excited about anything over the last several months.

Now I’m delighted to move on! I’ve got a new job that I like. I’m being offered writing gigs that remind me of how talented I am. I’ve lost a few pounds and I still feel terrific for my age. I’ve got a trip to Vegas booked three months from now and I’ve already paid for it. Most of all, I feel as if things are going to go my way when I put in the effort to make things go my way. That is what was lacking in my life in 2019. Saturn made me feel as if it was pointless to change or challenge my own fate. For much of the year, I felt as if my “flame” had been snuffed out. I suppose that lends credence to the idea that Saturn acts as a “wet blanket” in the horoscope.

Anyway, I know that I’m not the only one feeling the effects of Saturn and Pluto transiting Capricorn. Jupiter just entered the sign the other day, too, so 2020 isn’t going to be the most liberating year for most of you — despite how optimistic this Capricorn is feeling in the current cosmic climate.

But that’s a story for another post! For now, here are my 2019 rankings of the zodiac signs based partly upon empirical evidence, but mostly on my personal biases. Enjoy!

#12: Gemini — Wow! Another year at the bottom of the rankings. Of course, you could blame everyone else like you always do, but how about just admitting that you did all the self-serving, horrible things that you did? Right Donald Trump? Right Boris Johnson? Right Xi Jinping? Right Viktor Orban? Seriously, the one question anyone needs to ask themselves at this point in history is “How is Vladimir Putin not a Gemini?”

#11: Capricorn — With Jupiter in your twelfth house for much of the past year, many of you have been behaving irrationally and inexcusably, pretending as if no one noticed when you tried to sell your grandmother’s body to science while she was still alive in order to make a quick buck. Every shitty Capricorn in the world got a little shittier in 2019, including Donald Trump Jr., Eric Trump, Jared Kushner, Mike Pompeo, Ted Cruz and Kellyanne Conway. Their saving grace? Some of them can blame it on the Geminis in their immediate vicinity.

#10: Scorpio — 2019 saw you hanging on to whatever you had as if your life depended upon it. Whether or not you believe that is true is irrelevant because the rest of us believe it, and now you have to live with the consequences. People don’t trust you anymore. That can change in the upcoming year if you just loosen your grip on the “things” you’re clinging to. It’s time to let go. In the words of Janis Joplin, “Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose . . .”.

#9: Aquarius — Paranoia about your future prospects has been a theme in your life for a while now. Although that might not change in 2020, the way you deal with your demons in the upcoming year might make you a lot more likable in the eyes of others. Try to be the sort of person who looks inward in order to change your world rather than projecting your neuroses onto others.

#8: Leo — With Jupiter in your fifth house through most of 2019, you’ve been feeling liberated to say what you want. Unfortunately, some things are better left unsaid. Discretion has eluded many of you over the past year, and your big mouth has got you into trouble just as you started to win back the admiration of some of the people you’ve alienated in the past. Your cosmic lesson for 2020? Shut the f*** up!

#7: Pisces — I adore you Pisces natives and I have a great time when we’re together. However, with Neptune retrograde in your own sign for much of the year, you were a bit of a cold fish. Still, your middle-of-the-pack placement has more to do with my expectations of you than with your own performance in 2019. Now that Jupiter is moving into your solar eleventh house, you’ll find it much easier to entertain me again, and that’s all that really matters, right?

#6: Taurus — You’ve been looking beyond your own borders lately, trying to see if the grass is any greener on the other side of the fence. While you may not have determined the answer to that question yet, just the idea that you’re looking outward might seem like a personal revolution to anyone who has written you off as a creature of habit. Your newfound unpredictability will surprise them even more in 2020.

#5: Cancer — The stars are not exactly on your side at the moment, and in 2020 even more of them will be actively lining up to oppose your sign. Fortunately, for you crabs, instead of increasing your anxiety levels, you’ve been sort of tuned-out, like you’ve taken a cosmic Xanax. And you know what? We can all agree that it beats those mood swings!

#4: Libra — It’s in your nature to stay above the fray. Still, some of you have endeavored to mind your own business over the past year rather than playing judge and jury, while others have been compelled to deliver verdicts in the court of public opinion. If you had nothing to contribute to the argument, those judgments would be a problem, but you’re the universe’s voice of reason at the moment. Keep up the good work.

#3: Sagittarius — You’re at your best when you stand up for your beliefs. With Jupiter in your sign for most of 2019, you did exactly that. Now it’s time to stop shouting from the rooftops and actually affect change by working within the process. Don’t take the momentum you’ve gained for granted.

#2: Virgo — You’ve been simultaneously bold and effective over the past several months. At the same time, your trademark attention for detail has been the one thing that the world has been lacking in the current political climate. Someone needs to point out that facts are facts, and that someone is you. Good job, Virgo!

#1: Aries — I’m sure that this comes as a huge shock to anyone who knows me, but I haven’t been annoyed by Aries natives over the past year. In fact, I’ve admired both their bluntness and their ability to cut through the bullshit. What’s really been impressive, though, is the fact that many of them in my personal orbit have developed qualities that include patience and circumspection. I know, right?

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