Chris Evans (source: The Mary Sue)

I saw the murder mystery “Knives Out” last weekend (starring one of the world’s only tolerable Gemini natives, Chris Evans), and it reminded me that I started this feature on my blog a couple of years ago and then promptly forget about it. I just went back and read the first two installments and they’re hilarious! It made me wonder why there aren’t millions of people reading my blog when it’s clearly the most-delightful thing on the internet? I should kill you all for being such jerks!

Speaking of killing you all, if I were the murderous type, I might start with the Geminis because so many of them deserve to be murdered. I’m kidding, of course. Being a Gemini is a fate worse than death. Why mess with that?

Nevertheless, murdering a Gemini without getting caught would involve a rather elaborate set-up. Start by inviting them to a place where they could talk out of both sides of their mouth — an offer they couldn’t refuse! Get a job co-hosting “Fox and Friends,” for instance (even with no experience, that’s a pretty low bar for talent). Then lure your victim into your web by telling them that you would like America to hear “their side of the story.” There’s nothing those f***ing blowhards like more than to be convinced that their self-serving, duplicitous opinions matter. Just ask Donald Trump, or Mike Pence, or William Barr, or Rudy Giuliani, or Laura Ingraham, or Jeanine Pirro. Honestly, I could go on all day . . .

That’s the easy part. The hard part is rigging the studio lighting to a modified garage door opener so that an overhead fixture crashes from the ceiling in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time without harming any innocent victims. It’s important that the witnesses to the crime are caught on camera shrugging their shoulders after the “accident” indicating that having one less Gemini in the world is no big loss. Even if you do get sloppy and leave the remote control you used to drop the lights sitting right there on the anchor desk covered in your fingerprints and still attached to your #MAGA lanyard, the police will take one look at the body and say “It was probably for the best.”

And they would be right.

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