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Shia LaBeouf (source: ET)

You know, there was a time when I was almost famous. My first book, “Cosmically Chic,” created a lot of buzz when it came out. I was getting all sorts of job offers and opportunities to collaborate with fashion magazines and other media outlets. You know those social media accounts where people post photos of sweaters or shoes, telling you which one you should wear according to your zodiac sign? I was doing that before Facebook was invented. If you don’t believe me, I’ve got the clippings to prove it. Yes, clippings from newspapers and magazines. People used to read those things back when comprehension was still in vogue.

I don’t really miss writing articles like that, but I do miss being borderline famous. Yet I have no desire whatsoever to pander to the sort of audience that reads that shit. So, I’m just going to keep doing what I’ve been doing. All these planets in Capricorn make me realize that I’m happy to be the sort of astrologer I’ve always been.

Enjoy this erudite exploration of zodiac style!

ARIES

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For you, Aries, I like this modern nylon bag in your signature color, red. Plus, the logo printed on the exterior provides an excellent “target” for all those people who want to punch you in the face.

TAURUS

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As down to earth as you are, you were born to wear this rustic burlap sack. Plus, if you buy it new, you’ll have a whole bag of potatoes to eat before you can even cut out some eye-holes.

GEMINI

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People sometimes call you two-faced, Gemini. Prove them wrong with this mesh shopping bag that always lets them know exactly who they’ll be avoiding in the future.

CANCER

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It doesn’t really matter, does it? You just want everyone to stare at your boobs.

LEO

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You can be a show-off, Leo, so this clear plastic bag is perfect for you. If you really want to draw attention to yourself, though, forgo the air holes.

VIRGO

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This brown paper bag is a minimalistic masterpiece. You can be a bit of a neat-freak , so buy in bulk and wear a new one every day.

LIBRA

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Grace and good manners are your gifts from the heavens, but we should be the ones expressing gratitude when you choose to wear this bag over your head. Thanks, Libra!

SCORPIO

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The concept of resurrection is associated with your sign, Scorpio. For that reason, this recycle bag was made for you. Your sign is also associated with sex, so wear it solo for maximum effect.

SAGITTARIUS

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You love to travel, Sagittarius, so why not show everyone where you’ve been?

CAPRICORN

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Always ascending to greater heights, you goats can be eager to prove your worth by wearing designer labels. No one needs to know that you found this one in the dumpster behind the outlet mall.

AQUARIUS

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Always the contrarian, Aquarius, you just have to march to the beat of your own drum.

PISCES

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Enough said!

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