Shia LaBeouf (source: ET)

You know, there was a time when I was almost famous. My first book, “Cosmically Chic,” created a lot of buzz when it came out. I was getting all sorts of job offers and opportunities to collaborate with fashion magazines and other media outlets. You know those social media accounts where people post photos of sweaters or shoes, telling you which one you should wear according to your zodiac sign? I was doing that before Facebook was invented. If you don’t believe me, I’ve got the clippings to prove it. Yes, clippings from newspapers and magazines. People used to read those things back when comprehension was still in vogue.

I don’t really miss writing articles like that, but I do miss being borderline famous. Yet I have no desire whatsoever to pander to the sort of audience that reads that shit. So, I’m just going…