It’s that time of year again! Everyone is looking back at the past twelve months and trying to figure out what the hell happened. I’m not the sort of astrologer who likes to analyze events in retrospect. Instead, I prefer to put my reputation on the line by making predictions. The few major prognostications I made over the past year were fairly accurate. I claimed that authenticity would become stylish again as Saturn began its transit of Capricorn, and that many shitty people would experience a Karmic comeuppance as Jupiter transited Scorpio. Seeing the liars get theirs over the past couple of days has been glorious. Have you watched American news this week? Whoa!
I don’t believe that we’re out of the woods just yet. Just the other day, I predicted that the polarization of ideals would get even more radical now that Jupiter is in Sagittarius. To be honest, I’m worried about domestic terrorism south of the border because of the idealistic divide. But that’s a story for another post. It’s time to make fun of all of you — not just the mouth-breathing, so-called “Evangelical” inbreds who put a career criminal in the most powerful office of the land.
Here are the twelve zodiac signs, ranked from worst to first, with my personal bias boldly on display like it was collusion with a foreign power. Enjoy this look back for what it is. As I’ve learned from many others who practice this mystic craft, things are always easier to discuss after they’ve happened.
#12: Gemini — Last year’s loser is still scraping the bottom of the barrel thanks to Gemini natives like Donald Trump, Jeanine Pirro, Laura Ingraham and Kanye West. Seriously, if I was a Gemini I would lie to everyone about my zodiac sign. As it has been demonstrated again and again over the past year, it comes quite naturally to many of you two-faced lunatics. Prove me wrong, Gemini! Prove me wrong!
#11: Aquarius — Mars spent a long, long, long time stuck in your sign over the past year, leaving you grouchy and irritable. Thank your lucky stars that things are finally looking up for you. With Jupiter in your eleventh house for most of 2019, you should start feeling as if making friends is a more constructive pursuit than making enemies. I know, right?
#10: Leo — The fixed signs haven’t had it easy lately, but your problem is that you’ve been stubborn when you haven’t needed to be. What’s the point of being right when you’ve got no one left to agree with you. Stop alienating people, Leo! Jupiter’s ingress into your fifth house last month should highlight the one part of your character that has been sadly missing: your innate graciousness. Learn to say “thank you” again in the new year.
#9: Taurus — I imagine that it’s been tough to live with you while Jupiter made its way through Scorpio. I’m the sort of astrologer who puts you on a pedestal because I have a natural affinity with most anyone who shares your sign. Still, I haven’t had to deal with you leaving your laundry on the floor or your dishes in the sink over the past year. How do I know that you’ve done that? I’m an astrologer, bitch!
#8: Sagittarius — You probably felt as if you were stuck between a rock and a hard place for much of 2018. The problem was that you were not living up to your ideals. You can’t simultaneously complain about everyone else’s behavior when you’re doing the exact same things that they do. With Jupiter moving into your sign recently, actions should replace words in your repertoire.
#7: Aries — I actually believe that you’ve been behaving in a low-key manner for a while, and that’s not exactly in-character for someone with your sign. Planetary positions have allowed you to keep your nose to the grindstone instead of sticking it where it doesn’t belong. However, recent events have emboldened you. 2019 is yours for the taking if you’ve put in the work and learned to play nice with others.
#6: Cancer — With a couple of heavyweights, Saturn and Pluto, opposing your sign, you may be feeling as if others are more responsible for your happiness than you are. You’ve probably been yearning for romance, or simply a life less ordinary. Honestly, that dreamy part of your nature looks good on you. It’s back to reality in the upcoming year. Don’t let it get you down because I like this less-crabby side of you.
#5: Pisces — Learning from your mistakes isn’t your strong suit. That hackneyed cliché that defines insanity as doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result applies in this instance. Nevertheless, you’ve made some inroads over the last few months and you’re starting to wear your innate charm on your sleeve again instead of your numerous neuroses. It’s a good look on you, Pisces.
#4: Scorpio — You made a major movement up the chart this year because you developed the one quality that you normally lack: empathy. It’s not like you were born without it, but you can be a real jerk when you refuse to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. You’ve opened yourself up to a world of possibilities by behaving as if you care about someone other than yourself. Whether or not that’s true is moot.
#3: Virgo — The outer planets spent much of the year aligned in a manner that made you nicer, kinder and possibly more eager to please than before. You have made some sacrifices (which isn’t out of character), but they weren’t done in vain. You’ve restored your reputation and updated your resume. A big payoff is in your stars in 2020 if you can handle this new position.
#2: Libra — Last year’s winner is down a spot in the rankings, but only because it might seem as if the world needs a bruiser on the ice instead of another referee. Treating both teams with fairness — your greatest strength — isn’t going to matter when neither team follows the rules when you turn your back. The lines have been drawn. Your diplomacy may be what the world needs right now. Unfortunately, it’s not what the world wants right now.
#1: Capricorn — Okay, I’m wearing my bias like a pair of Tom Ford jeans, but if you’ve got it, flaunt it. For better or worse, Capricorns have been slowly climbing up the rankings thanks to favorable planetary positions. In 2019, Jupiter’s transit of Sagittarius may feed their delusions of grandeur, causing them to lose their footing. Still, they’re mountain goats. To them, hitting rock bottom means that the only way to go is up.