2017-new_year.jpg
2017 (source: Free Images Live)

It’s finally here: that time of the year when everyone is ranking everything. Everywhere I go on the internet there is another list: The Best Movies of 2017; The Top Ten News Makers of the Year; Kathy from Omaha’s Annual Ranking of Her Children from Best to Worst; etc.

I figure that I’m as good at writing these things as the rest of you clowns, so here it is: my definitive ranking of the zodiac signs for 2017. Don’t tell me I don’t do anything for you.

#12: Gemini — Bringing up the rear this year is Gemini. Those annoying loudmouths never shut up, and what they’ve been saying for the past twelve months has been incomprehensible at best. Will Saturn’s ingress into their eighth house of secrets make them shut the hell up in 2018? Probably not, but the chances of them going to jail are greatly improved in the new year. Let’s hope for the best!

#11: Pisces — If you feel as if the lunatics have been running the asylum this year, you’re probably right. But are the fishes to blame? Not really, but their flaky instability hasn’t done a thing to make any of us feel more secure in 2017. However, things are looking up for the sign in the upcoming year. I expect big things for Pisces in 2018. I also expect a terrific year for the pharmaceutical business. A coincidence? I think not.

#10: Virgo — It breaks my heart to see my third-favorite sign so low down on the list, but you virgins have been exceptionally bitchy lately. With Jupiter and Saturn making big moves in the zodiac late in 2017, you should have a lot less to complain about in the new year. Of course, the fatherly Capricorn in me wants to wave a fist in the air and shout “I’ll give you something to complain about,” but I should probably allow fate to run its course.

#9: Scorpio — Scorpio natives may be feeling emboldened since Jupiter entered their sign in October, but they’ve also been especially greedy and self-centered for much of the past year. It has made me nostalgic for the days when you could count on a Scorpio acquaintance to just be that inconsiderate slut everyone gossiped about around the water cooler.

#8: Aquarius — Things were looking up for Aquarius natives for much of 2017. Still, a sudden shift in the sky late in the year has those water-bearers up to their old tricks. Sometimes it’s prudent to just shut your mouth and stop trying to be a contrarian every time you have the chance to argue, or before you know it, you’re defending slavery or excusing pedophilia. Judge Roy Moore is an Aquarius. Need I say more?

#7: Cancer — 2017 wasn’t a bad year to be a crab, but it wasn’t the best, either. I’m sure that plenty of Cancer natives felt out-of-sorts for much of the year, and they probably wore their displeasure on their faces like a mask of poorly-blended sunless tanner. The new year does hold some promise for the members of the sign, though. Blind optimism and high-mindedness haven’t got us anywhere lately. Crabbiness is where it’s at in 2018.

#6: Capricorn — While it pains me to see my own sun sign in the middle of the pack, I’ll be the first to admit that 2017 was a year of mixed blessings for me and my fellow goats. With Saturn plodding through our solar twelfth house, it feels as if we’ve been stuck in line at the DMV for the past couple of years. Come December 20, we finally make it to the front of the queue. And when we finally get to see how great our photos have turned out, there will be no stopping us.

#5: Taurus — I can’t imagine a top-twelve list where Taurus isn’t near the top; I just like them. Personal bias aside, though, those bulls have probably had a decent year, and they haven’t done anything that would make me reconsider my affection for them. On the other hand, I don’t recall any of my Taurus friends doing anything nice for me either. Fortunately, my birthday is only four weeks away. Don’t forget that your 2018 ranking is still up in the air.

#4 Sagittarius — With Saturn in your sign for the past two-and-a-half years, you Sagittarius natives have probably felt as if you were getting nowhere fast. But if you look around, you’ve made some genuine progress. What’s more, you have probably done it without violating the terms of your probation agreement. Kudos to you! Keep up the good work!

#3: Leo — I generally don’t advise Leo individuals to disappear, but sometimes their spotlight-hogging shtick gets to be a little too much. I believe that the universe sent them that message in 2017 because many of them took a step back from the spotlight. It was a welcome break. Some big shifts in the cosmos late in the year, however, may have them back to their old tricks. If they aren’t pulling rabbits out of a hat in 2018, they’ll be doing something far more desperate to get our attention. It’s going to be magical!

#2: Aries — I know, I know. How did the sign that I regularly lambaste get anywhere near the top of my list? Well, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I haven’t been annoyed by Aries natives on principle. Maybe it’s me, or maybe it’s them. Perhaps it’s a little bit of both. But with Saturn moving into their solar tenth house soon, I predict that any strides these rams have made will soon be forgotten. If you thought that they were bossy before, just wait!

#1: Libra — In a year where the polarized political climate has made many of us want to strangle each other, it was nice to hear a singular voice of reason reassuring us that everything would be okay if we just met in the middle. Sometimes I find typical Libra wishy-washiness to be stifling, and sometimes it’s a breath of fresh air. In 2017, the belief that compromise is possible was the only thing that kept me going. I want to thank the Libra natives of the world for stopping me from choking to death on the noxious gasses that politicians have been spewing. I owe you one.

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