Marlene Dietrich (source: Ranker)

The sun entered Capricorn this morning and I couldn’t be more relieved.

As someone with a Capricorn sun, I look forward to the season of my birthday. But it’s not just the notion that the sun is finally shining on me that gets me excited. It’s also the fact that the sun has left Sagittarius. Sagittarius represents Capricorn’s twelfth house. It’s a place where dissolution occurs for us goats — where things become unraveled. I like things tied up nicely, neatly, and sometimes with a bow. Sagittarius is also ruled by Jupiter, the planet of optimism and exuberance. I don’t believe that I’m pessimistic by nature or lacking in exuberance, but I can’t fake enthusiasm. With just a few days until Christmas, the false sentiment of the holiday season has begun to take its toll on me. All I want for Christmas is for Christmas to be over.

And it’s almost over! In just a few days, I won’t have to worry about having my routine disrupted by the holidays (or by the week-long bout of the flu from which I’m still recovering — thanks, filthy holiday shoppers!). I won’t have to work special hours to accommodate the ridiculous inability of people who can’t get their shit together even though Christmas comes at the same time every year. And I won’t have to listen to any more “heartwarming” stories about people who have learned “the meaning of the season.” I know this sounds brutal, but I will never understand why society makes a point of congratulating people who suddenly discover what charity is when there are people around them who make charity a part of their lives all year long.

But enough about the falseness of the season we’re leaving behind! I’m optimistic about the next few weeks because it’s my time to shine. I’m going take advantage of my cosmic blessings and make a point out of working on my characteristic Capricorn gaze of condescension, inspired by the queen on all Capricorns, Marlene Dietrich. If you see me looking at you with the expression Dietrich is wearing in the photo above while you attempt to explain the “true meaning of Christmas” to me, maybe it’s time to just cut your losses and move on.

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