Okay, it’s time to discuss the greatest zodiac sign in the entire universe: Capricorn!
Of course, I’m a Capricorn. I often say that the three biggest egos in the zodiac are Aries, Leo and Capricorn. Aries natives will push you out of the way to find the spotlight. Leos will sit back and wait for the spotlight to find them. Capricorns, however, are a little more calculated in their approach to earning adulation. They work hard to get where they are, yet when the spotlight finally turns on them they ask you what took you so long to shine a light on their accomplishments. They can be smug, but most of them have the receipts to back up their attitude.
For that reason, I know that many people will think that it’s odd that Shereé Whitfield of the “Real Housewives of Atlanta” is on my zodiac dream team. While there are many things I like about her, and many more that define her as a decent representative of her zodiac sign, there are also plenty of things that make me wonder what would happen if I asked to see Shereé’s receipts. I’m no accountant, but I’m sure her ledger is a mess.
During her initial run on “Atlanta,” Shereé was sort of a joke: a hustler who put on a fashion show without the fashions. She appeared as if she was always looking for the easy way out. Nevertheless, she wasn’t Kim Zolciak, so I suppose she had that going for her. When it was announced that she was rejoining the cast, I didn’t have very high expectations of what she would bring to the show.
What she did bring was a profound aversion to Kenya Moore. I found myself bonding with Shereé over our shared loathing of the most loathsome housewife the franchise has spawned since living fossil Vicki Gunvalson crawled out of the La Brea Tar Pits and onto our TV screens.
Shereé does have a few typical Capricorn traits that I probably should point out. She seems more interested in being fit than most of her cast mates. She also seems to have a “slow and steady wins the race” approach to Chateau Shereé, the mansion whose windows look down into the gulley that Kenya Moore calls her home. However, the one thing that defines her as a textbook goat is her ability to throw shade. Capricorns are witty, and Shereé delivers the best laughs on the one “Housewives” show that could use some more laughs. Her banter made this last season bearable when it was at its ugliest.
Other Capricorn housewives include Kyle Richards and Yolanda Foster of “Beverly Hills.” Kyle is probably the most Capricorn-like of all the Capricorn housewives. Still, I couldn’t put her on my dream team because of the way that she sticks up for her horrible sister. Kim Richards is a Virgo, and I find that interesting because I’ve had two horrible Virgo best friends that I stuck up for when things got tough. In both cases, I regret my behavior. I was loyal to people who preyed upon the paternal part of my personality. Kyle has been more like a father than a sister to Kim. She is the one person who forgives her little angel and comes to her defense despite the continual use and abuse. Lisa Rinna had the right idea when she called Kyle an enabler.
Yolanda does have a few textbook Capricorn traits. She likes to marry up. She’s status conscious without being completely obnoxious about her status. She is a little more connected to nature than most people would assume. She doesn’t suffer fools gladly. She likes lemons. I made up that last part.
Alexis “Jesus Jugs” Bellino and Heather Dubrow of “Orange County” are also Capricorns. All I remember about Alexis was her stupid “Alexis Couture” clothing line that rivaled “She by Shereé” in its irrelevance. I’ve read that Heather won’t be returning to “Orange County” in the upcoming season. That’s tragic because I find her condescension and snobbery to be delightful. Capricorns make the best snobs. Dolores Catania of “New Jersey” is also a Capricorn. She seemed fun on the one episode I was able to watch for five minutes before I started to feel as if I was losing brain cells.
Anyway, that’s it. Stay tuned for the next update where I pick an Aquarius housewife who has never actually been a housewife. If that’s what it takes to keep Kenya Moore off my list . . .