Raven
Raven (source: Facebook)

Barely anyone read my last “Dream Team” series featuring my favorite Real Housewives, but that’s not going to stop me from starting a new list. I know that Robyn Dixon from “The Real Housewives of Potomac” and Andy Cohen himself had a look at some of the profiles because they told me so on Twitter. I’m a star! A grossly underappreciated star!

Speaking of things that are gross, let’s begin with the first sign of the zodiac, Aries. I always make jokes about Aries natives because I’m as different from an Aries as anyone can possibly be. I have the sun in Capricorn, the moon in Cancer and Libra rising. While I do share that same combination with someone who will be an actual queen one day, Kate Middleton, it also means that I have nothing in common with Raven, the first “RuPaul’s Drag Race” star on my list.

Actually, that’s not entirely true. Both of us are quite manly looking. The last time I dressed up as a woman, I made a Halloween costume that made me look like a steroid-riddled, Soviet-era, East German shot-put champion named Helga. At least I had the body to pull that one off! Raven can be a little too manly, too. I sometimes feel sorry for her when I’m watching “Fashion Photo RuView” and she can’t turn her head because it will destroy the illusion of a feminine jawline she has worked so hard to cultivate with that chin-strap makeup. But Aries is the most masculine sign of the zodiac. She can’t fight her cosmic destiny!

Aries rules over the eyes in astrology, so Raven wisely focuses her effort on making sure that her eye makeup is beyond reproach. She really is tremendously talented at what she does, much like many of the other Aries divas in show business, including Mariah Carey, Diana Ross, Celine Dion and Aretha Franklin. When you’re at the top of your game, you can be the biggest bitch on the planet and no one is going to tell you otherwise. For that reason, I’m sort of glad that Raven never took home the crown on “Drag Race.” Can you imagine what an insufferable hag she would have become if she had won?

Again, I’m not trying to be mean. I just know a lot of Aries natives who rub me the wrong way. Still, I was happy with actively rooting against Raven on both of her seasons of the show because she was born to play the villain, like her fellow Aries, Vicki Gunvalson from “The Real Housewives of Orange County.” “Season 2” and “All-Stars” wouldn’t have been the same without her bitchy, bossy, competitive Aries presence.

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