Saturn (source: NASA)

You wait for this all year long and when it finally arrives you can’t believe it. Retrograde season is here!

Actually, there is no retrograde season. Once in a while, though, plenty of planets are in retrograde at the same time. Often it’s the more-distant planets because they spend a lot longer in their retrograde cycles than the closer planets. This month, however, it’s going to be Mercury, Venus, Jupiter and Saturn in concurrent retrograde motion. Venus and Jupiter are already moving backwards through the zodiac from our vantage point here on planet earth, Saturn is stationary and ready to slowly start slipping back in a day or two, and Mercury will begin to retrace its steps next Monday.

So, what does this all mean for you? That depends. As a Capricorn, I do well when Saturn is retrograde. It slows everything down to a snail’s pace and reveals the mistakes that impatient people make. I capitalize on opportunities like that, like a good Capricorn should. Jupiter’s retrograde can have a similar effect. Many people reevaluate the behavior that got them into situations that now seem untenable while Jupiter moves backward. Terrible choices they made while attempting to take the easy way out are revealed when Jupiter is retrograde in Libra. Venus’ retrograde can result in little runs of bad luck, and when it happens in Pisces it can feel as if the universe is working against you. It’s a paranoid placement for the planet. It makes you question why you ripped your pants open on the same day that you ran into your high school flame; things that don’t really matter in the big scheme seem to unnerve you in the smaller scheme of everyday life. People don’t only feel betrayed by the universe, but they also feel like they can’t win for losing. Mercury’s retrograde just adds salt to the wound when miscommunication leads to more delays and more bullshit.

I know that that’s not the rosiest forecast. I don’t want to be the astrologer who never has anything good to say, but I also don’t want to be the astrologer who provides you with an inspirational quote about the strength of your character when I could be giving you practical advice. At the moment, people are going to continue to test each other’s limits. Guys like me who thrive when the pace slows down are going to seem like vultures flying overhead, ready to feast on the scraps.

So what are you supposed to do until things start moving forward again? Exercise some patience. That might be the most difficult thing for any of us to do while the sun is in Aries, but it’s the lesson most of us need to learn while the sun in Aries is opposite retrograde Jupiter in Libra. Qualities such as impertinence and the inability to back away from a fight will become an even greater liability this weekend, especially around Saturday, April 8th. You can start to push ahead, or push other people’s buttons (or whatever it is that you do) when this once-a-year aspect starts to separate a few days later.

I suppose that it’s a little obvious to tell you to back the f*** up when the sky is full of retrograde planets, but I’m going to do it anyway. The universe will let you be a pushy jerk next month, so back the f*** up! You won’t regret it.

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