Star Struck Style

It’s that time of year again, when I come here to shitpost about all the people who have bugged me the most over the last several months. Sure, I’m ultra-biased, but this is my blog, so there’s no better place to make my opinions known. I’m also a news junkie whose personal political views greatly influence my perception of the twelve signs. Did Marjorie Taylor Greene and Pierre Poilievre alter my perception of Geminis in 2022? Of course they did! Does the fact that Justin Trudeau is a Capricorn make up for the fact that Ted Cruz is also Capricorn? You bet Uranus it does!

Anyway, I have been less grouchy and more forgiving over the past few months, so I’ve been trying to cut some of these signs some slack. Still, I owe it to everyone who visits my blog to perpetuate the horrible stereotypes that make studying astrology almost as fun as laughing at what the rest of you call fashion. Whoops! Did I just type that? Oh well. Someone’s got to do it, and it might as well be me.

From worst to first, here are my rankings of the twelve zodiac signs for 2022:

#12: Gemini — Just when you think I might start to like you, you become a victim of guilt by association. Don’t take it personally, Gemini. You can’t help it if you share your sign with almost every vile, dishonest voice in the conservative movement. What can you do? Play to your strengths as a compulsive liar and start lying about your birthday.

#11: Aquarius — With responsible Saturn transiting your sign for a while now, a few of you have been learning to become more dependable in the eyes of others. The rest of you have done the opposite as you’ve rebelled against any restrictions that anyone would impose upon you. As a result, you’ve been an asshole that no one can depend upon.

#10: Capricorn — There seems to be two types of Capricorns in the world: delightful people like me, and vile people like Donald Trump Jr. and Jared Kushner. All the clichés about Capricorn natives being demons that walk amongst us are proven to be true by these craven, power-hungry men.

#9: Cancer — I probably wouldn’t have placed you so far down on this list a month ago, but then your fellow crab, Elon Musk, bought Twitter. Sucks for you!

#8: Sagittarius — I almost feel bad placing you in this position, Sagittarius, but I don’t really remember any of you doing anything memorable over the last several months. On the bright side, I don’t remember any of you doing anything memorable over the last several months.

#7: Leo — Besides Bennifer getting back together, I barely remember anything that any of you Leos did over the past year. Is that a good thing? See Sagittarius above.

#6: Libra — You’ve made a major move up the rankings this year by not only acknowledging that you weren’t the only one affected by the pandemic, but also by acknowledging the people who supported you over the past few years. Keep it up and you might top this list next year!

#5: Taurus — There’s almost no one that I’d rather be around more than you bulls. Still, that’s been hard to do when you’ve been in your own little world for much of the year. Don’t ever forget that you are a herd animal.

#4: Scorpio — I vacillate in between loving you and loathing you, Scorpio. I’ve recently started to love you again. Or maybe it’s lust. Yeah, it’s lust.

#3: Aries — You may have been muted by the positions of the planets over the last several months, but that isn’t a bad thing. At least you weren’t sticking your foot in your mouth. With Jupiter emboldening you throughout 2023, you’ll be back to your old ways soon enough!

#2: Pisces — You’ve had some fortunate influences in your charts making you feel as if you’ve been holding it together despite everything else falling apart around you. Sure, you’ve got a screw loose, but that’s what I like about you.

#1: Virgo — After a year of demanding everything on your own terms, you’ve finally started to realize that other people have something to contribute to the discussion. You’re at your best when you are collaborating instead of trying to control everything around you.