So, it’s that time of the year when everyone has something to say about the year that is about to end. Of course, I’m thrilled to contribute to the barrage of stupid “best and worst” lists” by ranking the zodiac signs according to who has bugged me the most over the past twelve months.
Now you might be growing weary of seeing the same signs at the bottom of my list year after year, but with big things happening in the sky right around the winter solstice, you can be assured that 2021 is going to usher in a new age where people who haven’t been annoying me will suddenly start to drive me crazy. That’s just the way things work; one day I can’t say enough good things about you, and the next day you’re the butt of all my jokes.
If that bothers you, then maybe you ought to find another astrologer to follow. Just before I came here, I read one of those posts on Twitter that said that anyone with any planets in the sixth, ninth and twelfth houses, or any planets in the water signs (using any house system or even sidereal astrology), can learn to trust their intuition because they have natural psychic ability. If you’re one of the four or five people on planet earth to whom that post doesn’t apply, too bad for you!
What I’m trying to say is that even though I like to goof around, I’m probably a better astrologer than an idiot who would Tweet something so inane that it would only draw attention to how little they know about astrology. If you can’t see past my sense of humor to understand that I generalize to make fun of a discipline that is based upon generalizations, then drop me a line in the comments sections to let me know your sun sign so that I can specifically include you at the bottom of my 2021 list. Also, go fuck yourself after you press “send.”
And now, to the rankings you’ve all been waiting for:
#12: Gemini — You know what? I don’t want to put you at the bottom of my list every year, but what else am I supposed to do when your fellow Geminis are such assholes. Donald Trump, Mike Pence, Bill Barr, Rudy Giuliani, Marco Rubio, Steve King, Marsha Blackburn, Laura Ingraham and Judge Jeanine all share your sign. They virtually tried to turn America into a dictatorship with the most horrible Gemini native ever to walk the face of the earth in charge, so why would I cut them any slack?
#11: Capricorn — This is my sun sign, but to know that I share it with the likes of Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump makes my skin crawl. Many of my fellow sea goats have spent the past couple of years trying to get to the top of the mountain. Many of them have failed and will soon slide down to rock bottom where they will likely learn a hard lesson courtesy of Karma. I can’t wait to see them get what they deserve.
#10: Scorpio — You scorpions are probably going to see a big jump in the rankings next year because you’re going to learn to play to one of your greatest strengths: being secretive. With both Jupiter and Saturn about to move into your insular fourth house, you’ll probably stop saying the stupidest thing to come to your mind every time you open your mouth.
#9: Aquarius — I don’t believe that you’ve been annoying in the way that you normally are annoying. Instead, you’ve been feeling sorry for yourself in the middle of a shitty pandemic where we all are feeling sorry for ourselves. On the bright side, no one is going to get a bigger cosmic boost than you when the new year arrives. 2021 is your year to get to the top if you just start to believe that there is such a thing as a “bright side.”
#8: Leo — If anything, you’ve been subdued by your current state of affairs. On one hand, you haven’t been making a spectacle of yourself. On the other hand, you haven’t been making a spectacle of yourself. I sort of miss seeing you Lions hog the spotlight, but maybe that’s just me.
#7: Cancer — You’ve kept your characteristic moodiness in check for much of the past year, which is a plus. But you’ve also grown accustomed to looking to the opinion of others in order to gauge your own happiness. It makes you look desperate. 2021 holds a little more promise. A transformation in your self-worth might be in your stars soon.
#6: Sagittarius — Throughout the pandemic, many of you have been too concerned with what a lockdown would mean to your “brand.” You know what? No one cares. They like you when you act like yourself, and they don’t like you when you act like you’re trying to sell them something.
#5: Pisces — I’m actually pleasantly surprised that the Pisces natives I know haven’t seemed too needy while we were all in lockdown. In fact, most of them have been weathering the storm by staying indoors and using the internet to remain connected to humanity instead of floating off into the abyss. Who could have seen that coming?
#4: Libra — For most Libra natives, the shift to working from home wasn’t a big deal over the last year because it came at a time when several planets were transiting their solar fourth house. With no commute, many of them gained a few hours each week to catch up on their sleep, and that has made them easier to be around. We’ll see what happens when things get back to normal. I think they’ll be okay.
#3: Aries — When the going gets tough, the tough get going. Most of the Aries natives in my orbit have behaved admirably throughout the age of COVID-19. Am I surprised? Yeah, sort of. I guess we’ll see if they can be as disciplined once Jupiter and Saturn leave their solar tenth house in December.
#2: Virgo — Virgo natives usually don’t bother me, so it’s no surprise to see them so close to the top of my list. What’s made them bearable over the past year is what always makes them bearable: the matter-of-fact way that they deal with adversity during uncertain times. The pandemic may be keeping them up at night — yes, they can be neurotic — but there’s no one better to have in your corner during a crisis.
#1: Taurus — I always like Taurus natives. The funny thing is that I can’t remember anything remarkable a single Taurus individual has done this entire year. Still, there’s something to be said about not being a nuisance when the whole world has turned to shit. Good for them!