It’s been a while since I’ve added a name to my “Drag Race” Dream Team. As I’ve mentioned a million times already, I’ve been busy. So sue me.
I’ve also been torn as to who to pick to represent Cancer. Both Bianca Del Rio and Bob the Drag Queen share that zodiac sign, and they are two of my favorite queens. So, when it came down to making a decision, I went with the one who was a better representative of the signature traits of her sign.
That queen is Bianca Del Rio. Cancers are crabby, nurturing and funny — at least I think they’re funny. Being born under the sign of the crab usually imparts an individual with a good memory, and a good memory is a good thing to possess when you’re trying to write jokes. Comedy is referential, and if your references only go back a week or two, you’re probably too stupid to be in on the joke.
Cancer is also one of the more-mature signs of the zodiac. Although Bianca is not that long in the tooth, she is an old hag in terms of “Drag Race” contestants. The way she mothered Adore Delano also demonstrated one of the hallmarks of her sign. The crab is the archetypal mother-figure in astrology.
Style-wise, Bianca also does her sign proud. Check out the helmet hair in the photo. In my new book, I advise Cancer women not to choose a hairstyle that resembles a helmet. I suggest that Cancer drag queens do the opposite — that wig is everything! It reminds me of another famous Cancer woman: Imelda Marcos. Bianca also sticks to a very classic silhouette with her gowns. Cancer is the “classic” sign where the hourglass figure is accentuated and the bustline is highlighted without letting it all hang out. Sofia Vergara, another Cancer, dresses a lot like Bianca Del Rio.
Bob the Drag Queen also looks her best when she sticks to this classic Cancer look. Her “purse first” outfit may not have been the most glamorous look to ever walk the runway on “RuPaul’s Drag Race,” but it was hilarious. The retro shtick suits these ladies. The best-dressed Cancer women use nostalgia in a manner that is referential without poking too much fun at the past. They are creative, too, and both queens used their innate creativity to pummel the competition — Bianca in the workroom, and Bob onstage. There was no doubt in my mind who was taking the crown in either Bob’s or Bianca’s seasons.
It’s interesting to note that Sasha Velour is a Cancer, too. While she didn’t run away with the competition like the other two, she made it to the end without ever having to lip sync for her life. I believe that Bob was the only one of the three who was ever up for elimination.
There are probably a few more crab contestants that I don’t know about, but I don’t care about them. With three Cancer winners to compete with, they might as well crawl back into their shells. And as for the rest of you fishes, you’re just going to have to try a little harder.