Vicki (source: cheatsheet.com)

“My Real Housewives Zodiac Dream Team” is one of the most popular features on this blog. It’s been driving traffic to this site for years now, even though a few of the “Housewives” that I’ve profiled are long gone from the Bravo universe.

That got me thinking that maybe I need to update my list. But then I came across this article that claims that Vicki Gunvalson was “forgotten” when the upcoming “Real Housewives: All Stars” mashup was filmed. And once I was done thanking the universe for small miracles, I realized that I’d rather create a list of all the “Housewives” I never want to see again.

Of course, Vicki is first on the list: a fitting place for an Aries woman whose insatiable desire to be first at everything she does makes her a textbook example of one of the worst traits of her zodiac sign.

That’s not the only thing that makes Vicki standout from all the other Aries “Housewives.” She’s bossy. She’s rude. She combative. She has the temperament of a hormonal teenage boy who likes to slam the door of his bedroom in his mother’s face. As a guy who has the sun in Capricorn, the moon in Cancer and Libra rising, everything about her drives me nuts. I’m inclined to behave like a stern parent, so it’s no surprise that I can’t stand when a grown woman behaves like a thirteen year old boy.

I’m also not the kind of person who typically takes pleasure in the suffering of others, but I couldn’t muster up an ounce of compassion for Vicki whenever she was in distress on the “Real Housewives of Orange County.” I briefly found myself on “Team Shannon” when the dune buggy flipped and Vicki was sent to the hospital. In fact, I was typically on whatever team was against Vicki at any given moment, whether that was “Team Tamara,” “Team Kelly” or whoever else hated her guts that day.

I actually stopped watching “RHOC” because I couldn’t tolerate the “OG from the OC.” Unfortunately, that made me miss everything that my ridiculous Capricorn sister Heather Dubrow brought to the show, and that makes me resent Vicki even more. On the bright side, I missed the entire season where Brooks faked a Cancer diagnosis and Vicki had to deal with the fallout. I sometimes watch the reunion shows — even when I’ve given up on the rest of the season — and it was delightful to see Karma catch up to the happy couple. Still, the best thing that ever happened on “OC” was during the Season 14 reunion when Andy Cohen basically told Vicki that he didn’t give a shit if she wasn’t coming back to the show. That caused Vicki to blow up at the production crew and confirmed that every bit of resentment I had for the woman was earned.

What a bitch!

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